Feed the Good Wolf

Have you ever been so tired that coffee isn’t even enough to keep you awake?

I bet a lot of us feel like that daily as this time of COVID drags on…

People are facing greater mental and emotional fatigue from it all. So much uncertainty, loss, and fear for the future. Each one of us is impacted in some way, and the wear and tear on our mental state is evident.

And as a leader, I know, every day it gets harder and harder to stay positive and optimistic for your people, because every day, your own emotional tank is depleting and it’s get harder to find the right station for a refill. Triple espressos be damned, even they’re not enough.

In order to serve, you have to have something to serve from. If your energy tank is depleted, you have to refill it, and it is so hard to do so when you are also feeling the same uncertainty, and likely experiencing some compassion fatigue. That feeling of being so emotionally and physically exhausted that you start to lose empathy for others. This is the worst state for a leader. You might see evidence of this when you’re snippy or feel irritated by everyone around you. You have to set boundaries between what you can control and what you can’t. Set mental and emotional boundaries, and be intentional about recharging self-care.

Oh sure, there are tons of articles, videos, quotes, apps, shows, sayings, even podcasts – present company included – that give you all the advice in the world about staying positive, optimistic, being strong, resilient, having grit, you got this, this too shall pass, yada, yada, yada…

A lot of good they’re doing. I still feel crappy.

Alright, I realize that sounded a bit sarcastic, but I do actually believe there are great tools out there in the world, and I do appreciate when a good quote pops up in my social feed as a helpful reminder. It always seems to be the message I needed most at that very moment. You just have to find the right resources that speak to you, and be in the right state of mind to accept them.

If you feed your brain with positive things, and focus on healthy, balanced thinking, it does help manage stress, anxiety, improves sleep, and your immune system. Come on, you know this, and since this isn’t a Doctor Oz podcast, I will encourage you to look up the research on your own.

I know we know this, but we’re human, which means it’s so much easier to understand something like this in theory, but it takes a lot of practice to build those mental muscles.

You may have heard the tale of two wolves.

A Cherokee grandfather is teaching his grandson about life.

The grandfather says to the boy, there is a terrible fight going on inside of me. It is a fight between two wolves. One is evil – he is darkness, anger, sorrow, regret, greed, self-pity, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

And the other is good – he is light, joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, benevolence, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

The same fight is going on inside of you – and inside of every other person too.

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, which wolf will win?

His grandfather simply replied, the one you feed.

We have to continue to feed ourselves and our people light and hope, and not darkness and despair.

Light and hope doesn’t come only when you have answers to uncertain questions. Or if you only knew what/when things would go back to normal. Or if you only knew when you would get a job, or when your job will call you back from furlough. We so often think that if we only knew the answers to our burning questions, we would be ok.

I promise you. If we lived every day of our lives thinking if I only knew X, Y, Z…we’d never live. Because there will always be another storm, and then another. And no storm tracker is completely accurate when trying to predict future storms. Is this storm we’re in super different than one we’ve experienced before? Sure.

But if you’ve ever lost a loved one, lost your job, been divorced, had a sick child, been in an accident, and the list of heartaches goes on and on…then this is only a different storm, not a worse storm. Don’t let the media or anyone else convince you otherwise. You’ve passed through dark valleys before and you made it.

You CAN learn to have peace in any storm. I love the quote by Vivian Greene, “It’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

Light and hope comes from peaceful thinking, holding onto faith over fear, and not letting the negative thoughts take over your mind or the mind’s of people you lead.

This doesn’t mean you pretend with your team or the people around you, and say things like, ‘You’re fine. I’m fine. Power through. Stiff upper lip. Rub some dirt on it.’ No. There is power in vulnerability. You should empathize with your team, and say, ‘hey, I get it. I have those thoughts, I feel nervous too, but together we can support each other,’ so they are affirmed that they are not alone.

The important thing is to help them feed the good wolf and not the bad one. Help them have courage to face anything, and make sure they know that they are not alone. You are there for them, to listen, to hold their hand. Notice I said, not to fix. Because there are likely many things you can’t fix, and many things out of your control.

Before you can help anyone else, you have to put your own oxygen mask on first because if you don’t, you can’t take care of others. I do like this metaphor for a lot of reasons. It’s true, if you’re not mentally and emotionally healthy as a leader in any position – an organization, parent, partner, teacher, pastor – you aren’t going to be very good for anyone else. Some might say this sounds selfish. Make no mistake, I believe you must be service-centered, not self-centered, to be a great leader, or you have no business leading others. But you have to be centered with yourself, to be service-centered.

I never liked that the saying stopped at helping someone put on their oxygen mask. To me leadership isn’t THAT simple. It’s easy to say, ‘ok, here you go, mask on, now I am going to turn back to worrying about ME…checked that off the leadership list.’ There is no leadership checklist. We’re talking about human relationships. After you help your people affix their mask, then also check their seatbelt, grab their hand and let them know you’re there no matter what comes next. Simon Sinek said, “It’s not about being in charge it’s about taking care of people in our charge.”

Ok, the mask is on. So, what do you do when your people keep fidgeting with the oxygen mask, pulling on the cord too much, and it breaks loose from the tank. Taking the mask off and on and tightening it so hard it leaves those marks on their faces…

It is so hard to listen to their fear and anxiety, when you don’t have answers for them. They will take you down the path of despair before you realize it, if you don’t set boundaries. That doesn’t mean avoiding anyone. That’s avoidance, not a boundary. A boundary is finding the balance. I will never suggest avoiding your people because you don’t have an answer and anything “new” to say. It’s always better to say I don’t know and still engage, rather than ignore.

What I AM saying is you might need to help them with a little tough love to stop spiraling thoughts, and feeding the bad wolf. Help them to stop dwelling and obsessing about the things they don’t know the answer to, or have any control over.

You have to be ok with knowing all you can do is listen with compassion and care, but also knowing when to set a boundary by saying, ‘I care about you, but asking the same question everyday and going through the same what if scenarios repeatedly isn’t helping you or changing the situation. I promise when I know something you will know something, until then, let’s figure out how we can help you stay positive and determine what you need to do to better your situation.’ This might mean sharing resources with them that your organization provides, or finding tools from reputable resources online that might help them with self-care or financial planning. Help them by helping them feel empowered in their situation through action. Help them to stop fidgeting with the oxygen mask and pick up a magazine.

Whatever you do, just keep feeding the good wolf.