Ever have coffee that smells way better than it tastes? Ugh, that’s the worst. Such a disappointment.
I think that same thing can happen when we hear good ideas in theory, but it falls apart in practice. It smelled like a good idea, but left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth…
There’s a popular movement in the business world encouraging people to bring their whole selves to work.
So what does this mean exactly?
Mike Robbins, author of “Bring Your Whole Self to Work” defines this as,
“Bringing our whole selves to work means showing up authentically, leading with humility, and remembering that we’re all vulnerable, imperfect human beings doing the best we can. It’s also about having the courage to take risks, speak up, ask for help, connect with others in a genuine way, and allow ourselves to be truly seen. It’s not always easy for us to show up this way, especially at work. And it takes commitment, intention, and courage for leaders and organizations to create environments that are conducive to this type of authenticity and humanity.”
He also argues that, “When we don’t bring our whole selves to work we suffer – lack of engagement, lack of productivity, and our well-being is diminished. We aren’t able to do our best, most innovative work, and we spend and waste too much time trying to look good, fit in, and do or say the “right” thing. For teams and organizations, this lack of psychological safety makes it difficult for the group or company to thrive and perform at their highest level because people are holding back some of who they really are…”
This all sounds great, doesn’t it?
I’ve always been an advocate of having one integrated life. I never subscribed to the multiple social media profiles, one for work colleagues and one for friends and family. Trying to be different people is just too much work, and you’d need flash cards or something to keep up with your aliases. I never bought into our ability to compartmentalize our lives. You can’t just flip a switch and stop thinking about other parts of your life. Anyone lay in bed at night trying to get to sleep then grocery store lists and work to do’s flood your brain? Yeah, me either 😉
We are one person after all. If we want to be authentic leaders, then what you see, is what you get, no matter what the role is you’re playing at the moment – boss, colleague, spouse, parent, sibling, family, friend, etc…
Now that many of us are in a remote working environment, our personal lives are exposed in a whole new way! And I love it! We’ve stopped caring as much about how people dress, wear their hair, or sit in a chair. Some of these social norms have broken down with kids and pets all over our Zoom cameras, and makeup and business dress ditched in favor of comfort and practicality. Finally! It’s been a silver lining in this COVID time to expose and examine what really matters. Outdated office norms can finally be ditched and the environment is starting to catch up to what creatives have always known, a bit of self expression is a good thing for morale, and I can still get my work done in a T-shirt, pajama pants, a pair of slippers, and a cat staring at me. Unless of course he walks across my keyboard.
And boy have I gotten feedback over the years from many people, leaders, direct reports for being too blunt, too direct, too opinionated. See? I was bringing my whole self to work before it was cool! Call me crazy, but I think being authentic to people’s faces is a lot of more respectful and healthy than behind the back talking smack and stabbing in the back behavior.
I’m not sharing this to toot my own horn. I’m sharing because I want you to know A) I believe in being real and open and direct because as a leader you say things people need to hear not what they want to hear to help them grow and B) because not everyone is going to like your whole self and you are going to have to be OK with that, and respect others for being their whole selves even when you don’t like it. Let me clarify.
Yes, I love the idea of being your authentic self in every aspect of your life. Then 2020 happened. Because in a healthy and mature world, or the world we use to have, we could at least disagree about politics and still be friends. We didn’t paste labels on people who shared their point of view when it clashed with our own. We didn’t assume liberals were communists and conservatives were bigots just because they supported someone for a political office. We had conversations, sought to understand, often just agreed to disagreed. Then in this world of instant information, global opinions, virtual bandwagons, and quaran-boredom looking for someone to blame, we started judging each other with our emotions and assuming everything you read on the news outlet of your choice is factual. The masses threw empathy and understanding out the door. And every side is guilty of this. Stop right now thinking in your head who you think that is because it is everywhere.
But wait there’s more complexity.
Now it’s OK to discuss politics and religion, two previously taboo topics, in the workplace? What’s a leader to do??
First of all leaders, bring your whole self, not your jerk self, to work.
Oh yeah I said it. We all have the ability to be jerks when we want to be. It’s easy to let your emotions get the best of you when you adamantly disagree with someone else. We have to keep our emotions in check, people. Aren’t there people you don’t like at work that you have to get along with? And for most of us that’s just based on the way they conduct themselves at work, not anything else, yet…
You also don’t have to react to every action. Letting your blood boil over someone else’s opinion or comment, isn’t going to change their mind anymore than it will change yours if it were the other way around. All it does is steal your joy and let the cortisol run rampant in your body.
Don’t take it personally or let it cut deeply. Emotions are choices. Regardless of how or what someone says, you have the power to let it affect you or not, you have the power to act and react – so choose wisely. If we operate in this world on the opinions of others about us, who are you living for? Be a leader and take the higher road, always. That doesn’t mean ignore them, it means responding in a healthy manner while still being true to yourself. Sometimes that means a few deep breaths, sometimes that means stepping away and coming back to the person later. The more you can manage your emotions in the moment, the quicker and easier it will be be to respond in a healthy way. I didn’t say it was easy. Just takes practice. It gets easier.
Another critical thing to do in this world of bringing your whole self to work is to champion inclusion. No seriously. Sometimes I think it’s like the scene in the movie, “The Princess Bride” when the guy keeps using the word “inconceivable” and Inigo Montoya responds, “I don’t think that word means what you think it means” I feel that way about the word inclusion. Inclusion means EVERYONE matters. That includes their opinions, beliefs and values too. Sadly many are using the term in the sense that we are inclusive as long as you agree with me, we are inclusive as long as you think this way or that way. That by definition is not inclusion! We are all about vulnerability when we practice it, but when someone else does and it goes against what we think? Then we react negatively. John Maxwell said, we judge ourselves by our intentions, but we judge others by behavior…” Well, no wonder we can’t seem to connect authentically with people who do not share our views.
Companies are putting a major stake in the ground on social issues these days more than ever. Some people who work for these companies may not agree with the company stance, isn’t that ok?
Does anyone ever 100% agree with every decision their company makes? Of course not. What if they agree in theory but maybe not the way the company is going about it? Shouldn’t inclusion mean allowing these voices to be heard too? Maybe they have good points? Don’t we want people to be leaders and not blind followers? Isn’t a 360 approach to analyzing any situation the smartest thing to do?
We need to stop making assumptions that if people disagree with something they must be against a philosophy or if they support Trump they must be a racist homophobe or if they support Biden they must be against free speech and pro-communism. Listen to people. Not their “labels” of a Democrat or Republican or a Christian or atheist, if we want to authentically connect, we need to ditch stereotypical assumptions and really listen and learn, be open to new ideas and different thinking. I pick sides. I pick the side of common sense.
If you want people to bring their whole selves to work, then that means everyone brings their own voice, not just the voice you think they should have.
Being a leader means someone feels safe coming to you regardless of their opinion being the same or different from yours. They feel safe knowing they will still be seen by you, and not retaliated against in passive or not so passive aggressive ways because they view things differently.
Lastly, in a whole self environment, boundaries are still important.
I do still feel some boundaries need to be set, especially in a work environment. Leaders, you can’t just dump fuel on a controlled burn and walk away. You have to monitor and make sure a spark doesn’t fly, go rogue, and create a new fire or let the burn get out of control.
If heated political discussions or religious debate start overshadowing the work we need to get done on a deadline, I am going to hit the pause button. We humans really suck at balance. We tend to swing the pendulum so far one way or the other. My fear is if we don’t encourage mindful and empathetic behavior, again regardless of what someone thinks or believes, then this bringing your whole self approach will backfire and create hostility and division that wasn’t even there before.
During a time when tension continues to be high over COVID, politics, job loss and families struggling, the last thing we need at work is a parallel to the extreme behavior all over social media. People unable to control their words and actively trolling to do harm, is not helping. With so many of us working from home via Zoom and other digital collaboration tools, how easy could it be for us to hide behind those the same way people hide behind a handle or profile online? Too easy.
Leaders, let’s steer the focus of this whole self approach to be more about giving people a voice in meetings, throw out titles and listening to ideas from everyone and anyone. Encourage connection, community, and curiosity.
Keep an eye out so it’s not just the vocal and outgoing who share. If you see people retreat, ask them to share or talk to them to make sure they’re ok and not feeling overshadowed by the bolder team mates.
Encourage vulnerability in sharing of feelings in healthy ways, and encourage others to listen and learn. Give people the space to share disruptive thinking to challenge the status quo in solution-oriented ways. Help people detach their emotions from other’s opinions or ideas so it’s not personal, just idea sharing to make things better. Challenge meeting etiquette to create a more comfortable and relaxed environment of psychological safety, where people can be direct and honest, respectfully, and make sure that continues when the meeting is over and the 1:1 conversations start happening.
If there are issues and the culture needs to pivot, then find the common ground so everyone can pivot together, never fuel competition within your own team. Have open, uncomfortable and honest conversations, but make sure it doesn’t become us vs them or using shame and blame. When you see that happen, call it out!
Leaders are team builders not team breakers…
I love the way Robbins said this, “Recognition is positive feedback based on performance. Appreciation is about recognizing the value of people.” Make sure each person feels valued for who they are, not just what they do. Valued for being their whole selves.
Just like the whole coffee bean is its best in its whole form, we don’t want anyone to lose themselves by getting grinded down. After all, the best cup of coffee comes from the best beans refined into common grounds.
Karlynn Holbrook 