One of my cats darted around a corner when I was holding a cup of coffee and he MADE me drop my favorite mug. My husband MADE me miss my exit on the freeway because he was distracting me about something else. My co-worker didn’t like my idea in a meeting. They MADE me feel bad.
How often do we say, you MADE me or they MADE me feel bad, sad, mad, frustrated, angry…the list goes on…
But can anyone really MAKE you do anything?
No. They can’t. I know people might say, but if someone puts a gun to your head that’s making you give them your wallet. Technically, they still aren’t MAKING you. They are giving you a very strong incentive to act in a manner they are firmly requesting you to do, but you could say no, even if the repercussions are terrible. You still have a choice.
So, why do we still allow ourselves to live our lives through the lens, and in reaction to the thoughts, feelings and actions of other people? I do it too. None of us are immune.
When you’re exhausted or stressed, it’s easy to get caught up in blaming the people around you, rather than taking control of your own feelings, thoughts and reactions.
I didn’t say it was easy to not let the opinions and words of others get to you, and to not allow automatic negative thoughts roost in your brain, but the reality is…it’s all in our heads. Literally.
Even as kids by saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words won’t hurt me,” we are trying to convince ourselves that the things people say don’t sting. Because they do.
A quote from Eleanor Roosevelt couldn’t be more true, “Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.” It’s completely up to us how we feel and what we take into our hearts and minds.
I know you’ve heard this.
I know you know this.
I’m not saying anything new.
With tensions high, people exhausted from the state of the world, I felt like we all need this reminder now more than ever. Me included.
So why do we still let what people say bother us?
Our societal culture is built on the assessment of others. Think about it.
You’re graded in school.
You’re told great job by parents and people and it feels good.
You’re given performance reviews at work.
You get a trophy if you win a game or a sports – or ahem – even if you don’t win.
We are indoctrinated to care about the opinions of others through a lifelong system of reaction and reward.
It’s no wonder we care so much about the opinions of others – we want the pat on the back, the A grade, the high performer feedback, because it FEELS GOOD.
I have lots of opinions about the bias of our culture’s feedback and reward systems. If you want to dig deeper on that, I highly recommend the book “9 Lies about Work: A Freethinking Leader’s Guide to the Real World” by Marcus Buckingham. It will literally challenge everything you’ve been conditioned to believe is true when it comes to how organizations work.
But I want to keep our focus here, right now, on the day-to-day words and nonverbal signals that get in your head everyday from people in your circle of influence. I bring it up because I just want you to take a deep breath and recognize where the conditioning comes from, and you’re normal and it’s ok!
When someone says something that brings about negative feelings, hit the mental pause button and get curious. Why do I feel this way? Why did I react this way? Is something else going on with me? Is there truth in feedback we need to unpack and apply or is someone else having a bad day, week, or pandemic pressure and you’re suddenly the proverbial dog they want to kick? You have to learn to control your emotions or they will control you. Easiest way to do this is to stop and assess why your initial, gut reaction was what it was…
You are not the center of other people’s universe. Sorry to disappoint you. I’m willing to bet with the rare .000001 percent exception, the person you felt wronged you didn’t wake up this morning wondering how to make your life miserable or MAKE you feel bad. People are inherently too selfish for that.
Someone else’s opinion of you is merely a reflection of their thoughts, experiences, feelings, biases, not a reflection of who you are. It’s a reflection of what they need, want, desire, and I am willing to bet most of the time they aren’t even thinking about how you will react to what they’re about to say. Word vomit, lack of empathy – gets the best of all of us sometimes.
We are all flawed human beings, trying to be human doings in this messy life and unless we make the conscious decision to be selfless, self-centeredness is an innate survival tactic in our DNA. Do you think children are taught by their parents to say MINE! No, they have to be taught how to share…
I believe people are born with strengths/talents/gifts and some lend to a more natural capability of leadership, but make no mistake, great leaders and great people are made. By US.
And since we all make mistakes and missteps, we all need the empathy of others to get through the day.
Remember this – write it on a post it or send yourself a daily reminder on your phone: The power of someone’s opinion is completely MY choice.
Just like whether you want coffee or tea. It’s completely up to you.
Karlynn Holbrook 