Why are we so forgiving of others, ready to show others high empathy, yet don’t give ourselves the same respect? On one hand, we judge others by their behavior and judges ourselves by our intentions. Yet, on the other hand, we flog ourselves for skipping a workout, not eating right, yelling at our kids, feeling stress, and a myriad of other things. We should all over ourselves.
I wonder if it’s because we know we can do better, be better. I wonder if it’s because we do know our intentions, or rather, our excuses and know they are rubbish.
I know what you’re thinking. This is another blog or post online that gives you the warm and fuzzy “that’s ok” feeling and let’s you off the hook. Well, sorry not sorry to disappoint, but it’s not. As a leader I’m a big fan of tough love to help people get better and fulfill their potential. As long as your motive for giving tough love is speaking truth with love with only intent to help someone else get better because you believe in them. I’m also a fan of tough love on ourselves. Hang in there with me on this one.
While I don’t believe it serves us to flog and demean ourselves for not doing something we aimed to do as a goal, I don’t believe we should always just let ourselves off the hook either. I worry we are breeding a generation and a culture that excuses every behavior because we didn’t feel like doing something. We are bowing down to the voices that lie to us and are super awesome at helping us rationalize whatever choice we make: feelings. When your kid doesn’t feel like brushing their teeth do you let them off the hook? I hope not! Because as an adult you know they need to create good habits that are good for them even if you also know as an adult you don’t always feel like doing whatever it is.
Feelings lie to us. Feelings cannot be trusted. Feelings are not trusted gut intuition, but rather a knee jerk reaction based on whatever feels good in the moment. Feelings need to be questioned and assessed. Decisions should not be made based on feelings in the moment, because often times things that are good for us, well, we may almost never FEEL like doing. And so much not good for us, feels good in the moment, hence the bandaids so many seek in things not good for us like drugs and alcohol.
For me, I am the excuse train for not working out, not exercising. I know I need to, I know I should, but I never feel like it. I always feel like something else is more interesting or rationalize I could be more productive if I work or, ahem, blog or podcast. Awkward. The truth is we make time for the things that matter most to us, but we prioritize our days based on what we feel like doing, and it doesn’t always serve us.
As a coach, we know the answers do not lie in us but in the person we are coaching. A good coach asks good questions and helps that person come to their own conclusion and solution. We are smart and capable. If we are mindful enough to hire a coach, then we are already steps ahead in the process of enacting positive change. For the record this doesn’t mitigate therapy which is a very different practice to work through the psyche, pains, pathology. Both good and serve different purposes. Whatever your support system is, we all need a support system, a circle of trust, to help us stay the course. Our emotional connection to the situation, or feelings, don’t always make us the best judge of our own character.
So what are we to do? Well, first you need to get clear around your goals, and the why behind them. No better time than starting a new year to choose a word and set a vision for the year, with goals to support your word or theme. I’m not a fan of resolutions because stats, and my own track record, shows most people abandon them by February. Plus mentally that’s a lot of unrealistic pressure to put on ourselves. We FEEL super ambitious and positive going into a new year, we often create a dissertation of resolutions, then feel twice as bad when they don’t come to fruition. If you choose a word for the year, and make it a mantra and reminder of your goals, it’s amazing how it will manifest in your life. With a little elbow grease and intention too of course, your mindfulness will be drawn to your word making it easier to create and achieve small goals throughout the year, attainable goals, not the overly ambitious resolutions we tend to write out on Jan. 1 every year. If you need inspiration for a word, checkout myintent.org and take the free word finder quiz.
Those dreaded feelings can still haunt, however. So you need to manage those feelings. When you don’t want to do something you know is good for you, just eat the frog. Even if it’s just a front leg, it’s still progress. Set small goals. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. There are a lot of odd but impactful analogies about eating animals, I don’t recommend literally eating a frog and elephant…just to be clear. Though frog legs are delicious, LOL. But I digress.
Your feelings are a result of your mindset, so you need a different frame of mind. Focus on the outcome of the thing you need to do, but don’t want to do, not the activity itself. Repeat over and over in your head visualizing the result of whatever it is you need to do in order to get to that desired state.
It’s ok to give yourself a little tough love. Remind yourself you’re capable of this, you’re better than letting not feeling like it dictate your actions. And on days the feelings win? You’re human. It’s gonna happen. Tell yourself that and then get back to it, because you got this! We can do hard things!
Karlynn Holbrook 