From LeaderSips podcast Episode #48 in August 2021
I recently had a conversation with someone about when it comes to how we prefer to be communicated to – this person tried to argue that how we prefer to communicate or communication is different at work vs. personal life.
I totally disagree. That’s unnatural. We’ve been taught and conditioned to compartmentalize our lives, but it’s not possible. No wonder we’re so damn stressed – we’re trying to be multiple versions of ourselves based on the role we’re playing – parent, employee, spouse, daughter, son, friend, and the list goes on…
We can’t compartmentalize ourselves even though for a millennia we have desperately tried.
Now we’re trying to break down those barriers and encourage people to bring their authentic selves to work every day, but let’s be honest. We don’t mean it.
We’re saying it because it sounds good. Sounds right.
Stay with me on this; you’re telling me it would be totally ok if someone at an entry level job, giving a presentation to a senior executive group of leaders, told them their idea is a bad one?
People keep throwing around the word inclusive and that everyone’s opinions matter no matter what they believe. Though in practice we all know it actually means we’re inclusive as long as you don’t go against the culture we’ve created “here” or the opinions of senior most leaders. What you’re really saying is to nod and smile and be agreeable and then be ok with talking smack behind everyone’s backs, as long as you don’t make everyone uncomfortable with your open, honest and direct communication…but hey, as long as we act like we’re good.
I use to have no voice except the voice I thought people at work wanted me to have. I let my job become my identity.
Where did that get me?
Lack of self-confidence, identity wrapped up in a job, and never mind bringing my whole self to work, I brought a version of myself created by the environment I was working in. But it wasn’t really me. So how do you break down the walls to find that person? For me, it sadly took me making a huge leap of faith out of a comfortable place with a comfortable team, people to a group of people who didn’t know me, and frankly it has the hardest and best thing I ever did. Even though I had a terrible boss, and I did comply for a long while, until I had an awakening of this is not who I want to be or who I was created to be. Oh it’s still not easy, I still have that little voice in my head that tries to shut my mouth, and tell me I’m not good enough, and sometimes it prevails. You don’t have to join every conversation, but when it matters, when you know and feel you need to speak up to help the greater good, the team, you have an idea, bring to light a problem, you have information that might help, then by all means, DO IT.
Leaders, please do not punish your person for speaking up even if it feels wrong by culture standards. If you’re in such a hierarchal culture where you can’t tell the emperor he has no clothes on, then that’s the problem that needs to change.
Dr Seuss quote is legit, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
It took me a long time to admit more openly I am a person of faith, a God-believer, a pray-er, because I know the labels that just start flowing through people’s heads. Because we’re human, we start with the stereotypes we know to categorize people and sadly there’s a lot of hateful and ridiculous religious people in this world. It wasn’t really until I had other friends, mentors, my amazing coach Bonnie Utley encourage me to bring my whole self, like I am encouraging others to do, that I even started sharing that I am a person of faith publicly. Man, it feels good to live wholeheartedly as Brene Brown would say. We should not live in shame for who we are, what we believe, even when our opinions are unpopular or make other people feel uncomfortable. Their reaction is none of MY business. We should all stop trying to conform others to our own way of thinking and believing and just respect the freedom, God’s natural law of being who we are, who we are created to be. As leaders we need to lead by example, inspire others to be confident and step out in courage.
So who the heck am I?
Here’s the sips I took to find out and I hope it helps you too. I used my VOICE – Values, Opinions, Intuition, Communications, Empathy
1. Values – define these. Where do you get your moral compass? Mine comes from my relationship with God, prayer and meditation, scripture.
2. Opinions – of others are just that, their opinion, just like you have an opinion. Don’t let them rule you looking for validation in all the wrong places.
3. Intuition – Trust your instincts, your gut. We can use unconscious information in our body and brain to help guide us through life, to enable better decisions, faster decisions, and be more confident in the decisions we make. Science is limited only to the knowledge and discoveries of people but intuition is beyond that. Science, logic and reason is earth, but Intuition is Universe – created by God.
4. Communicate – is way more than sharing your opinion. Ask good questions and seek to understand. Be open to dialogue that makes you think. I miss the days of debating then agreeing to disagree and moving on with our lives. Can we get back to respectful discord?
5. Empathy – lead with being people-centric, if you want your opinion to be valued, then value others and their feelings. Recognize everyone’s got something, then help them get through whatever barriers exist to become even better versions of themselves, and yourself. That’s a leader’s job after all.
If you want to be a leader, you can’t just hide in the crowd, you have to lead by example in every aspect of your life and show others it’s a good thing to be themselves, and encourage them to bring their unique gifts and talents to the table. We are each created with purpose and there is no one else like us on earth, never was and never will be again. Each person, each soul, is a unique gift to the world – if we choose to leave a lasting and positive legacy.
“Wherever you go you take yourself with you” – Neil Gaiman.
Be true to who you are, make no apologies for it, and help others do the same. That’s leadership.
Karlynn Holbrook 